The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
—George Carlin

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names – hers and her mother’s.
—Rodney Dangerfield

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you’re just noticing members of the sex: “Girls girls, ooo”. Naturally you want to look your best, and God says “No! You will look the worst you’ve ever looked in your life!”
—Eddie Izzard

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
—Bill Cosby

Terrorists don’t take black hostages. That’s the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, ‘Uh… they is treating us good. Uh we are chilling and shit. I’d like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!’
—Dave Chappelle

We’re not laughing at you – we’re laughing near you.
—Robin Williams

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
—Joan Rivers

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.
—Milton Berle

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” How do you know that? “Uh, well… we looked at the receipts.”
—Bill Hicks

Why don’t families take mushrooms and stay home, and trip together?
—Bill Hicks